‘Gayfeld’
THE BIG DOGS
a Seinfeld Spec. Script
by me421
You ever ask yourself who cuts Donald Trump’s hair? I just have to say, you gotta respect a man who goes to the barbershop, sits down and goes “, Yeah, I want *that* one”. Why shouldn’t we give the nuclear launch codes over to someone with that level of bravery? I mean, my mother once gave me a bad bowl cut and I cried for an month! Anyways thankfully it’s March now…
*Seinfeld Theme Plays*
ACT 1.
SCENE 1. EXT. New York City - DAY
A CHINESE MAN STANDS BEHIND A HOT DOG STAND THAT READS “BIG DAWGZ”.
THERE IS A MASSIVE LINE.
KRAMER, NOT NOTICING, WALKS DOWN THE STREET AND CLUMSILY KNOCKS INTO AN ASIAN MAN NEAR THE END OF THE LINE. HE FALLS ONTO THE STREET CORNER
KRAMER LOOKS UP IN AWE
KRAMER
What’s all this about?
LINEGOER
You haven’t heard about these guys? They’re cooking up the best dogs in all the city.
KRAMER
Well what’s so special about them?
EVERYONE IN LINE LAUGHS.
KRAMER IS CLUELESS.
THE LINEGOER LOOKS UP TO THE SKY.
EVERYONE IN LINE LOOKS TOWARDS THE HOT DOG STAND WITH REVERENCE.
LINEGOER
If you haven’t had a big dawg, I trury feer bad for you.
CROWD BOWS HEADS
KRAMER stands up straight and walks to the back of the line
KRAMER
Well OF COURSE I’ve had a big dawg!
SCENE 2. INT. - JERRY’S APARTMENT
JERRY IS ON THE COUCH TALKING ON THE PHONE. GEORGE IS LOOKING AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR WHILE OBSESSIVELY COMBING HIS HAIR
GEORGE POSES AT HIMSELF IN DIFFERENT ANGLES IN THE MIRROR. HE LOOKS AT HIS HAIRLINE. ITS BOTHERING HIM.
GEORGE shakes his head
GEORGE:
Look at me. Just look at me.
⁃ CUT TO JERRY IN FOREGROUND -
JERRY:
You know I’ve never really gone on a blind date with someone before.
(MALE V.O.) PHONE:
I was just thinking about it rationally and I was hoping you’d give us a chance.
JERRY
Yeah, uh-huh. I appreciate it but I just really can’t commit to anything like that right now.
(MALE V.O.) PHONE:
Do you know anyone that might be interested?
GEORGE (O.C.)
I’m just gonna ….
JERRY LOOKS BACK AT GEORGE. GEORGE IS RED IN THE FACE STRUGGLING TO TIGHTEN HIS SHIRT INTO HIS PANTS.
JERRY
Nah.. I’m sorry. Nobody really comes to mind.
Jerry
Yeah, alright. No problem. Buh-Bye.
JERRY hangs up the phone
GEORGE
Who was that?
JERRY
Ben Shapiro just called me, he wants to set me up on a date with his sister.
GEORGE
His sister?! How does a guy like you get get a date with her? You’re kiddin me.
JERRY
Yeah, well.
GEORGE
Wait a minute, wait.. hold on. What, don’t, don’t tell me. What you’re sayin is… No, wait… What you’re saying is…… is that you said NO?!
JERRY
What’s the big deal?
GEORGE erupts
GEORGE
What’s the “BIG DEAL”? The “BIG DEAL” is that there are two of them. There are two very big deals in play here Jerry!
JERRY
You think she’s read the ‘Art of the Deal’?
JERRY SMIRKS.
GEORGE SEETHES WITH ANGER.
JERRY’S APARTMENT DOOR BUZZES.
JERRY
Who is it?
ELAINE
It’s me.
JERRY BUZZES ELAINE IN
GEORGE NERVOUSLY TWITCHES
GEORGE
I hate that sound!
JERRY
Alright, just relax Private Ryan.
ELAINE WALKS IN AND LOOKS OUT OF BREATH.
ELAINE
Hey guys.
Jerry
What happened with you?
ELAINE
You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to get here. There’s a huge line of people waiting outside of my apartment for some hot dog place. I had to elbow a Korean lady just to get out of my elevator.
JERRY
You’d be surprised what lengths a man will go to for a good hot dog.
GEORGE
My father once stood in line for an entire Yankees game to buy a four dollar pretzel.
ELAINE
It’s crazy-
ELAINE GULPS FOR AIR
ELAINE
I even saw Kramer down there too.
JERRY
Hey, have you ever met Abigail Shapiro?
ELAINE SMIRKS
ELAINE
Abigail? The one with the…
GEORGE
Yes, her!
GEORGE
And can you believe that HE said no to a date with HER! GEORGE POINTS AT JERRY.
ELAINE HITS JERRY’S ARM.
ELAINE
Oh you did not!
GEORGE EMPHATICALLY CROSSES HIS ARMS.
GEORGE
Oh yes he did!
JERRY
So I don’t like… “that”, what’s wrong with that!
ELAINE
Jerry, every guy, likes “THAT”.
GEORGE
He doesn’t even watch PragerU!
JERRY
You want me to set you up? Really? Is that what you want?
GEORGE
Hold on. You mean it?
JERRY SHRUGS
JERRY
Ugh. Sure, why not.
GEORGE GRABS JERRY
GEORGE
OH Thank you! Thank you. Thank YOU!
JERRY
Alright, alright.
GEORGE snaps his finger and looks at himself closely in the mirror
GEORGE
Elaine, do you know anywhere I can get a good haircut?
ELAINE
What’s wrong with your hair now?
GEORGE
Look at this bald spot. I’m exposed to the elements. It’s like the top of my head is Steve Irwin in the Australian wilderness.
GEORGE
You gotta tell me, where do all the men you sleep with get their hair cut?
ELAINE
All the guys I know get their hair cut at the place on 5th.
JERRY
That old dog fighting casino?
ELAINE
No, they shut that down.
GEORGE TURNS BACK TO JERRY
GEORGE
You’ll come with me, right Jerry?
JERRY EXHALES
JERRY
Alright, FINE. Let me call Ben. Just PROMISE me you won’t do anything to make me look bad in front of them.
GEORGE
Come on, Jerry, I’m a gentleman.
JERRY
You better be on your best Shabbat mister!
GEORGE
Very funny. Very very funny. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go read up on Kosher.
ACT 2.
SCENE 1. EXT. NEW YORK CITY - EVENING
IT IS VISIBLY COLD. SNOW IS FALLING ON THE GROUND. THERE IS A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE STRETCHING DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE HOT DOG STAND. KRAMER EMERGES FROM A TENT ON THE SIDEWALK.
KRAMER TURNS TO A MAN WEARING A FALUN GONG UNIFORM. HES STARVING.
KRAMER
Hey pal, do you think we’re ever gonna get to these ‘big dawgz’?
LINEGOER
你对狗猫了解多少
KRAMER NODS AS IF HE UNDERSTANDS.
KRAMER TURNS TO LOOK TOWARD THE HOT DOG STAND. HES COMICALLY FAR.
KRAMER
We’re NEVER gonna make it man!
SCENE 2. INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY
GEORGE IS SITTING IN A BARBERS CHAIR. JERRY IS SAT DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM HIM IN THE WAITING AREA. JERRY FLIPS THROUGH A COPY OF VOGUE MAGAZINE.
GEORGE
Thanks again for coming with me to get my haircut.
JERRY SARCASTICALLY LOOKS UP.
JERRY
No problem, I know how you get with the .. “BZZZ”. GEORGE FLINCHES AT THE SOUND.
GEORGE
I told you I thought Elaine cut my ear off!
JERRY
She was trimming your neck!
GEORGE
Well, regardless, let’s just hope this lady can do a better job.
A MALE BARBER WALKS IN. THE BARBER IS A FLAMBOYANT GAY MAN. IT SHOWS.
BARBER
Oh hello! How are you?
GEORGE STUTTERS.
GEORGE
Y-yeah, I’m ok.
GEORGE IS VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE. JERRY IS LOVING IT.
GEORGE
I just wanted to ask, could you make me
look like this?
GEORGE UNFOLDS A PHOTOGRAPH FROM HIS POCKET AND HANDS IT TO THE BARBER.
GEORGE
Yknow, I… I don’t know. I just always kind of wanted to look like one of those guys.
GEORGE SCOFFS.
GEORGE
Y’know, I cant even remember the last time I had a good haircut.
JERRY
My best estimate is during the Kennedy administration.
THE BARBER SWINGS GEORGE AROUND IN THE CHAIR AND STARTS MASSAGING HIS FOREHEAD. GEORGE STARTS PANICKING.
GEORGE
I’m not really sure about-
JERRY LEANS BACK AND OPENS UP ANOTHER MAGAZINE.
BARBER
Just relaxxxx.
JERRY
Yeah George. Relax.
GEORGE TIGHTLY CLOSES HIS EYES.
⁃ BASS GUITAR MAIN RIFF PLAYS -
EXT- BARBERSHOP
SOUND OF ELECTRIC CLIPPERS
GEORGE’S YELLING ECHOES THROUGHOUT.
GEORGE
“JERRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY!”
ACT 2. EXT - ELAINE’S APT. - DAY
KRAMER LAY ON THE SIDEWALK SLEEPING. HE WAKES UP TO REALIZE HES FURTHER AWAY FROM THE HOT DOG STAND THAN WHEN HE STARTED. HE KICKS A LAMPPOST AND AN ICICLE FALLS, KNOCKING KRAMER UNCONSCIOUS.
KRAMER WAKES UP IN A HAZE.
A WOMAN WITH GIGANTIC BREASTS IS HOLDING HIM IN HER ARMS.
KRAMER
Mamma Mia…
WOMAN
Are you okay?
KRAMER CAN BARELY TALK.
KRAMER
I’m… just… the dogs…
PASSERBY (O.C.)
He’s going into a diabetic coma!
KRAMER
Hungry… for… the big do-….
PASSERBY 2 (O.C.)
Somebody do something!
WOMAN
He’s going unconscious!
KRAMER
Hungry…
KRAMER PASSES OUT.
INT. JERRYS APARTMENT - NIGHT
JERRY IS STANDING OUTSIDE HIS BATHROOM. GEORGE HAS LOCKED HIMSELF IN.
GEORGE
I can’t do it Jerry. I just can’t.
JERRY
For cryin’ out loud it can’t be that bad! At least you still have hair right? At least a little. You have that!
GEORGE
This was my one chance for happiness and I’ve totally BLOWN it Jerry!
JERRY
Come on out George. It’ll be OK.
GEORGE WHIMPERS.
GEORGE
You promise?
JERRY
I promise.
GEORGE EXITS THE BATHROOM.
⁃ CAMERA CLOSEUP ON GEORGE -
JERRY IS STUNNED.
THE CAMERA SLOWLY PANS. GEORGE HAS A HITLER YOUTH HAIRCUT.
GEORGE
Well, Jerry. Go on. Just tell me. Is it that bad?
JERRY
On a scale of one to six-million?
GEORGE STORMS OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
GEORGE
Okay, okay. Well, Maybe we’re just overreacting. Y’Know.. it’s really not that bad.
JERRY
We’re meeting up with Ben Shapiro in thirty minutes and you look like you just stormed Paris!
GEORGE
Maybe she won’t notice.
Int. Upscale Restaurant - Night
JERRY WALKS IN. GEORGE IS WEARING A FEDORA AND VISIBLY SWEATY. 15 MINUTES PASS.
GEORGE
Where is she? Where the hell is she?
GEORGE IS ON THE BRINK OF TEARS.
GEORGE FALLS TO HIS KNEES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RESTAURANT.
GEORGE
WHY oh WHY have you cursed me!
SUDDENLY, ABIGAIL AND BEN SHAPIRO WALK IN.
ABIGAIL
I’ve heard a lot about you, I’m terribly sorry I’m late, George.
THEY SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE.
BEN
So Anyways Jerry. You’re never going to believe this. On our way here, we encountered a homeless man named Kramer. He was going into a diabetic coma. Turns out he was waiting in line for days to participate in some weird clandestine dogfighting casino. Thankfully, Abby was gracious enough to feed the poor vagrant her milk.
CUT TO GEORGE AND JERRY.
⁃ FREEZE FRAME -
⁃ SEINFELD MAIN THEME PLAYS -
